I let their jealousy convince me I had a problem
Other people's insecurity almost made me shrink, but I finally stopped letting it determine my life
For a really long time, I genuinely believed something was wrong with me. And it was because I trusted other people’s versions of me more than my own.
A lot of the time, it was unsaid and unspoken, but felt.
I could feel it all my life.
It’s the reason why I spent most of my elementary years hanging just outside the circle, peering in. I spent high school following the crowd but never getting too close. I kept my circle of friends very, very small. And as I grew older… it got even smaller.
Did you feel that way too?
From a very young age, I never truly felt like I could trust or get too close to people. But I never really asked myself why; I just hated the feeling, and I assumed that the reason I couldn’t have too many friends was that I was weird. I genuinely believed I was the problem.
But this also led me down some very dark paths and got me into trouble. Because I wanted so deeply to feel like I could fit in. So I tried to ignore it and do what people wanted of me. I became promiscuous for a while, and I started partying. Maybe from the ages of 15-20, a lot of my life feels like a blur.
Then, as I got older and became a mother at a young age, the ultimate test of friendship and trust came about. I learned who would stay and who would go.
One stayed. She took on the role of Auntie to my new son.
But, 3 weeks before my wedding day, when he was 8 years old… that one disappeared. It’s been 13 years and I still haven’t heard a peep from her.
I think that was the moment something broke inside me.
The Revelation
I never really knew why I spent most of my life like this. But in hindsight, after all the inner work and healing I have done, I know it was never actually a problem with me.
Shortly after we moved to Mexico, I met this seemingly super nice local. She ran up to me all bubbly and cool, introduced herself and we hit it off. But I remember driving home after that encounter, thinking to myself: “She was too overly nice, something’s up.”
And I’m sure we’ve all had encounters like that. We sense an ulterior motive. But I was all alone in a new country and was desperate for community, connection and friendship, so I shrugged it off and agreed to meet with her again.
Sadly, that was a big mistake. But a valuable lesson.
It’s unfortunate, honestly.
I started to notice jealous behavior. And it wasn’t until we all took a double family trip to the beach for a week that she revealed her true colors for us all to see, front and center.
It started with her trying to get my husband to “referee her and her husband’s dispute”. Then, when she tried to convince me that my husband, who was only being his typical social butterfly, extroverted self — was flirting with other women at the bar (which he was not).
And finally, it culminated when she freaked out on me for not spending enough time with her (my sister was down for a visit, so the poor thing had to deal with me dividing my time between everyone and my kids).
That relationship ended with some pretty nasty words said.
And now, when I look back, I could have pinpointed every single red flag.
Jealousy from the get-go.
I could look back and notice all the ways I started adjusting. Shrinking. Apologizing for space I had every right to take up. I could see all the ways I made myself smaller.
I started isolating myself, in fact. I committed to not even attempting to make new friends or attend any expat events that could open that door. I shut myself out from the world.
It took me a long time to name what had actually happened: these people were never actually concerned about me, nor did they care about me. They cared about themselves and felt threatened by me.
But I had let their jealousy convince me I had a problem.
Maybe those elementary years of me peering into the circle were actually my authenticity shining through, making me appear standoffish to others, or threatening, and that’s why they never got too close.
Maybe those promiscuous high school years were a way for me to mask it all.
Maybe it was confidence that I didn’t know I had… all along!
And maybe that’s what I had, even when I didn’t think I had it. And they didn’t have it, so they wanted it.
What Jealousy Looks Like When It's Dressed Up as "Concern"
No one talks about this enough. Jealousy rarely announces itself. It disguises itself in language that sounds caring, loving, even wise and you end up questioning yourself instead of questioning the source.
Here are some of the ways I experienced it:
"I'm just worried about you."
Concern is specific. It points to something real. Jealousy disguised as concern is vague, recurring, and always seems to surface right after something good happens for you.
"You've changed."
Said with a sigh or a specific tone. You’ve got to notice what’s happening in your body when this conversation is happening. It will feel as if growing is something you owe people an apology for. You have changed. That's the point.
"You need to be more realistic."
Translated: “I need you to stay where I can understand you, because I’m smaller and can’t think that big.”
These all landed hardest when I was succeeding. Not when I was struggling. When I was struggling, I was told to put my big girl pants on. The concern didn’t show up in the painful moments. It showed up right when things were going well.
And then, more obviously, you’ll notice people who:
Always have to one-up you
Have to have nicer things than you
Better-behaved kids than you
Stare you up and down and think you don’t notice it.
I mean, it’s obvious.
Why We Believe It
We're conditioned, especially as women and as people from communities where humility is a survival skill, to treat any hint of pushback as a signal to recalibrate.
Self-reflection is healthy. But there's a difference between genuine self-inquiry and reflexive self-doubt. One asks: Is there something I can learn here? The other asks: What do I need to change so that the person is comfortable with me again?
I had been doing the second one for too long.
The Moment I Stopped
There was no single confrontation, no movie moment, but that trip to the beach with the overly friendly local was my trigger.
I recalled all the times her face didn't light up whenever I shared any good news. I realized I had spent years managing other people’s discomfort at the expense of my own becoming.
When I made this realization, I started asking a different question. Instead of "What's wrong with me?" I started asking: "What's this really about?"
How to Tell the Difference Between Jealousy and Genuine Feedback
Not every criticism is jealousy. Not every uncomfortable truth is an attack. I had to go through a nasty period of assuming everything was an attack. That was a super dark, but necessary time.
Part of becoming untamed is learning to hold nuance. Be open to real feedback, while simultaneously taking everything with a grain of salt. Protecting your energy becomes top priority. Putting yourself first becomes paramount.
Here's a framework that helped me:
Timing. Genuine concern tends to show up in context. Jealousy tends to show up when you're glowing. Notice the pattern.
Specificity. Real feedback is actionable. "You interrupted someone in that meeting" is feedback. Don’t take it too personally and move on with your day.
Consistency. Does this person celebrate you when things are good? Or do they only have "concerns" when you're rising? A person who loves you can hold both your wins and your struggles. Someone threatened by you can't.
How do you feel? THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE! Genuine care leaves you feeling seen, even if the conversation was hard. Jealousy disguised as concern leaves you feeling small, confused, or like you need to apologize for your own life.
What they gain. Ask yourself: what does this person gain if I shrink? What changes for them if I stay small? Sometimes that answer alone tells you everything you need to know.
The Cost of Believing Them and the Reward When You Stop
Now, I’ll be brutally honest about the cost.
I delayed things. I talked myself out of countless opportunities. I kept goals kept quiet so I wouldn't have to deal with eye rolls or rejection. I kept a larger version of myself locked away because she made other people uncomfortable.
I lost time that I can't get back.
But it was necessary for me to learn and become deeply rooted in my truth.
Here's what I found when I stopped:
I found out who was actually in my corner. The people who didn't flinch when I got loud about my dreams. The ones who matched my energy instead of trying to lower it. The people who I could truly feel care from.
I found out that my bigness wasn't a flaw but a feature. The qualities that made some people uncomfortable were exactly the qualities that opened doors, built things in silence, and eventually created impact.
I developed something I had been longing for: patience.
Patience with myself.
And, I found something I hadn't felt in a long time: peace. No longer was I performing a version of myself that would fit in. I finally had the kind of peace that comes from living in alignment.
To Anyone Still in This Season
If you're reading this and you're in the thick of it, please hear me clearly:
The problem they see in you is the power they can't access in themselves.
That's not your fault, and it's not your job to manage.
You are allowed to be (and you should be), loud and ambitious. To want more. To celebrate yourself. To take up space. To change. To grow in ways that will leave some people behind.
You don't owe anyone a smaller version of yourself.
The jealousy is theirs… but this life is yours.
Welcome to Untamed Highlights: a space for women who are done shrinking, done apologizing, and ready to live out loud. If this resonated, share it with someone who needs to hear it.
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